You Get What You Give

So, the last couple days have been pretty rough for me. On Sunday my family received some pretty devastating news-- my grandmother had passed away unexpectedly. Over the last little while she hadn't been feeling very well, which was very odd for her as she has been so healthy her whole life-- so healthy in fact that all of my family was convinced that she was going to out live us all. We were all sure that she had discovered the fountain of youth. Apparently that was not the case.  My Grandpa Hughes decided that 45 years away from his sweetheart was long enough so he called my wonderful grandmother home.

Now, you might be asking at this point, "what in the heck has this got to do with 'getting what you give'?!" Be patient and don't you fret. I will get there.

This evening as I was getting a very much needed massage I had a 'smack you upside the head ah ha!' moment. Now, let me give you a little back ground-- My massage therapist is totally awesome. He is very knowledgeable in his field and is very sensitive to a lot of things-- namely things like emotions, and "auras" for lack of a better term. He's knowledgeable about acupressure therapy and  has a knack to know exactly where your 'trouble' spots are. Well, usually when I get my massage, he's really chatty and we'll talk about traveling and the weather and what not-- but today was different. As we were getting started, he asked me the usual small talk questions like how I've been doing, how work was going and so on and so forth-- so I filled him in on the little details and told him that I've been doing OK, but had been little down because of my grandma's passing among a few other things that had been really getting to me. He said he was sorry about my grandmother's passing and then he started the massage. It started out like any other massage, I told him where I needed a little more work, and what muscle groups had been bothering me lately and then jokingly asked him if he knew of any acupressure points that could release anger or frustration, to which he replied "I'm sure there are, but it's a matter of whether or not I can remember them!" and then we started chatting as per usual. After a few minutes, things had fallen dead silent, which was really odd. At first I thought, 'well, maybe he's not in a terribly chatty mood today,' so I decided to just keep my silence and enjoy the massage.

As I laid there with my eyes closed listening and enjoying the music and the massage, I started to wonder and try and figure out why he was so unusually quiet. Once he started working on my arms and hands he said "Hey! I found where you're keeping your anger!" So we started chatting and I asked him how he can tell that's where my 'anger and frustration' was lying and what not and then he said something that completely caught me off guard and by surprise. He said that earlier, when we had started the massage, he had felt the utmost overwhelming feeling of love surrounding every little bit of me. He had wanted to tell me once he felt it, but was unable to because it took everything he had to prevent himself from crying. (The good kind of crying you know.) The moment after he told me that I burst out into tears myself because for the first time in what seemed like forever, that feeling of love and peace had engulfed me and had broken through the protective wall I built around me.  I all of a sudden could feel all the thoughts and prayers that had been directed my way-- something that I had yearned for and very much need to feel. But, most importantly, I felt my dear grandmothers presence and love. I knew that she was with me-- and was there to stay. Once I realized what I was feeling, it seemed like all that pain and sorrow for her passing had melted away and was replaced with peace and I started to feel happiness filter back into my life. For the rest of the (glorious two hour) massage, I started thinking about my grandmother and the kind of life she led--
Which leads me to this:

YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE

My grandmother was a woman on a mission. To always serve and help those around her. She was the most kind, genuine person you would ever meet. She was always so concerned about how you were doing, and always kept up and kept track of what you were doing and would ask you about it every time she saw you. Every person I met that knew her always had the nicest things to say about my grandma-- how she was so selfless in things she did for other people and how genuine and classy she was. I remember one instance in my life, when my mom had just given birth to one of my little brothers, my grandma came over and cooked for the rest of the family, made sure the house was clean, dishes were done, and laundry was washed, dried and folded and took care of the rest of us kids. It was such a great blessing to my mom to have that burden lifted off her shoulders. Yet, my grandmother never asked or expected anything in return. She served us because she loved us, and wanted to be there for us in our time of need.

I never really knew of the impact my grandmother had on those around her until this past week. The love and support we have had from all those who knew her has been overwhelming. I have heard stories upon stories of the kind of life she lead and the different people's lives she touched. It has gone to show that you really do get what you give. My grandmother gave of her self. She used the talents and gifts she had to serve other people around her. To which in return-- she received the same, plus so, so much more.

Karma exists. Whether you like it or not. If you put negative vibes out around you, those vibes are going to come right back and bite you in the rear end. To give a little example-- Take the story, "A Christmas Carol." At the beginning of the book/movie, the character Scrooge is a mean, selfish, miserable old man that no one liked. Everyone either tolerated him, or was too scared to stand up to him. So, as the story goes on, on Christmas Eve, he was visited by three ghosts which showed him what is life would end up like if he keeps on going to the way he's going. Needless to say, it wasn't a very good life and definitely did not have a happy ending! After the dream/visits, Scrooge got his act together and changed his life and attitude and made a whole new, happier life for himself. He got what he gave-- He changed his ways, became loving, kind and charitable, and in return-- received the same and so much more and lived out the rest of his days happy.

One key ingredient to getting what you want out of life is to first give of yourself. Your time and service to others is a fail-proof way to being truly happy. Now, don't go about doing service begrudgingly and complain the whole way. If that's the case you may as well not even do it. Serve with an open, happy, sincere and genuine heart-- knowing that what ever small act of service you do, may be something that means the world to the person you're serving.

Being the Christmas season, makes it the perfect time to find people to serve-- for there are many who need it. Look for any way to serve those around. Whether it be something small like scraping someones windows in the morning, shoveling snow off their drive or walkway, helping someone with their groceries, Christmas lights, complimenting them on something.... anything! Start small and work your way to bigger things. Once you start serving, you won't want to stop.

Don't be a pre-ghost visit Scrooge. Be a post-ghost visit Scrooge! I promise that as you serve others, your life will change for the better and you will get what you WANT, but first you have to GIVE.

Tomorrow May Be Too Late

This post is going to veer just a little bit from the topics of what I have been posting lately.  I fear this post is going to be a little bit more solemn to begin with, but will hopefully be back to happy by the end. The reason for the solemness is earlier this evening, I received a text from one of my best friends from college. I haven't heard from him or seen him for oh.... a few years. He's been busy with being a husband and father and finishing school and such. Besides that fact, it hasn't changed our friendship in the least. We're still the best of friends. Anywho, back to the point. He text me stating that he and his wife lost their baby a little earlier this week. Sad to say it was a stillborn. They don't know the cause or why it happened. They had a check up on Monday and by Tuesday something didn't feel right and couldn't find a heartbeat, so the doctors induced her and went from there. I can't even begin to imagine that pain and devastation they are going through having just lost a child. I've known many people who have had such things happen to them and have seen how devastating a blow it is to them. I have a cousin that had this happen to and seeing that pain and anguish she went through was hard. It's been quite a few years ago that it's happened, but you can still see that pain that it causes her.

My reasoning for writing this is because hearing this sad news brought a few thoughts to my mind--- How often do we tell those we love and care about, exactly how much we love and care about them?  How do we know if they are going to be with us the next day, week, month or year?  Are there people that we care about but have had disputes with that we haven't talked with in a while because of said dispute?  If they were to die tomorrow-- would we regret not telling them how we really feel? Would they leave this earth thinking that we hated them? Even with those we still talk to on a daily basis-- do we let them know how we feel? Or are we under the impression that we think, "well, they already know that I love and care about them, so I don't need to tell them." Wouldn't we feel better if we constantly made sure that we know that they know that we know they know, how we feel about them? I found a wonderful quote from none other than the coolest transformer ever: Optimus Prime.

This quote may have come from a fictional movie by a fictional character, but it has so much truth to it. We are so hesitant to tell people how we feel while they are here, alive. It's not until they are gone that we all of a sudden get this urge to finally let them know how we feel when we know that technically, it's too late. 

I've had a little while to think this over and to think about people that I need to tell such things to more often. One of my first thoughts is about my last living grandmother. I don't see or talk to her a whole lot.  My mother just informed me lately that my grandmother's health isn't what it used to be and that she is slowly declining. Now that's not implying that we are going to lose her real soon, (hopefully) but the older she does get, the more we are unsure of exactly how much time we do have left with her. It makes me sit back and think and wonder if I do tell her enough how much I love and appreciate her and how much of an example she has been to me throughout my life. It makes me realize that I really should make a better effort to go and see her and my grandpa and let them know how much I really do care for and love and appreciate them. 

Thinking about my grandma then lead me to think further about my more immediate family and my friends and other cherihsed ones. Now, as most all my friends and family know, that I'm not the best person at expressing myself verbally. I've always had difficulty with such things.  I'm more a person who expresses my feelings through actions and the written word. When I try to express things verbally, I find myself feeling extremely awkward and out of place. I get weird urges to make jokes about it and almost purposely make the situation awkward because of how awkward I feel--- so, a lot of the times people don't tend to take me seriously when I try to express my love for them. The other pit fall I have is I tend to get emotional and have a tendency to cry-- and there is not much more I hate than people seeing me cry. 

Back from the tangent.  I realized that I need, and want to make sure I tell those I love, care, and appreciate-- just how much I actually do love, care and appreciate them. It also made me think about those that I still care about deeply that have for one reason or another, lost touch with or don't talk to as often as I'd like because of the aforementioned 'dispute' reason.  I write this in hopes that those of you who read this, as well as myself, can swallow the pride that we may have and make sure to tell the people we love and care, but have had a falling out or some sorts,  about how much we do love and care for them--- regardless of whether we are still upset with them about something, or feel guilty for something we did-- regardless- I hope that we can swallow our pride and realize that us being upset, or whatever the situation-  is really only hurting us. Holding on to a grudge or anger is only hurting and damaging us. That anger only builds up inside of us and eats at us until it does nothing but make us miserable. I know you may think "oh man, they did such and such to me or said such and such to me, I can never forgive them, or it's going to take me a long time to forgive them because of such and such." All I can say to this is: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! You care about this or these people-- it's time, as Elsa from "Frozen" would say-- LET IT GO.

Now, I  know for a fact that swallowing your pride and forgiving people is not by any means an easy task. Believe me-- been there, done that (too many times). But, what I can tell you-- is once you do-- the feeling of freedom and happiness you feel is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. Having those feelings of hate and resentment lifted off your shoulders is a feeling like none other. (As cheesy as this sounds--)  it quite literally seems like life is that much brighter and happier-- the sun is brighter, things just happen to go your way-- life seems just plain wonderful.  Now-- who doesn't want to feel that way raise your hand!! That's what I thought. No one (in their right mind at least) wants to pass up an opportunity to be truly happy. I beg you, please, PLEASE!  Mend those broken lines of communication. Tell the people you love and care about how you feel before it's too late. We don't want to have any "RAGRETS" now do we?! Now, I'm NOT saying you have to go profess your undying love for everyone you know-- just let them all know that you care for them-- that you appreciate them- that you love them-- but in a non romantic, non creepy sort of way. Or-- maybe you do ~~~LOVE~~~~ them. However you feel-- let them know in the most non-creeper sort of way. (Cause I don't care who you are--- no one responds very well to creepers.) 

We never know when those we care about and love are going to be stripped from us. God has a plan for all of us. For some of us-- he may have the plan of letting us live a long life. For others-- it may seemingly be cut short because he needs us elsewhere. We don't know what our time frame is going to be. Don't take the chance in thinking "Oh, well-- they'll be here tomorrow, or next week or month-- I'll just tell them then." Don't leave such important things to chance. Take every opportunity you have to let people know how you feel and how much you love and care about them-- because tomorrow may be too late. 

To all my friends, family and other loved ones:

And as a last reminder:

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST--

I, myself, am made entirely of flaws--stitched together with good intentions. ~~ Creating a Positive Self Image

This is probably going to be one of the hardest post because I, myself, (as i'm sure with many others) struggle with keeping a positive self image. Unless you are a complete narcissist,  always keeping a positive self image is a hard thing to do. There is always something in this world that is telling us that we are not good enough-- whether it's media, our peers-- or worst of all, ourselves. We are our own worst critic. We know every single one of our faults, insecurities, imperfections.... everything. Thus the cause for us being so hard on ourselves and so self critical.

So, how do we go about creating a positive self image? Is it something that can happen over night? Not likely. It's something that takes a lot of time and a lot of effort. But in the end-- it is completely worth it. 

To get started, I'm going to post the perfect example of what we need to do. And if you think I'm kidding. I'm not.  This girl is a genius and will go far in life.

As silly as this sounds (and looks), it is actually very effective.(*side note-- you don't have to dance in the mirror like she does-- but if that helps you-- by all means, go right ahead!*) You see-- what happens when you 'talk to yourself' in the mirror is your sub-conscious picks up on these 'positive affirmations' and starts to believe what you're telling yourself. Don't believe me? There is TONS of literature to back me up on this. Google it. If I posted everything on here, you'd be reading this post for days.

Think about how you feel if you think negative thoughts about yourself. Say you constantly think you're a jerk because you've done a lot of jerk-like things to your friends lately, or you constantly think to yourself your are fat, or ugly or slow, or dumb, or worthless.... after a while, you start believing these nonsensical things.

But say that you make the effort to tell or think to yourself nothing but positive things all day long. Look for things you like about yourself. Say you have a fun personality, you like your smile, you are kind, you  are smart-- heck, you could even go as far as just saying you like your butt! After you've found things you like about yourself, keep reminding yourself about those things. The next step is to find the things you want yourself to be-- or want to believe about yourself. Say you want to be a better friend-- more kind and loving or that you love to do certain things like workout, or to be more confident. That's when you do what the little girl in the video does. Tell yourself those things every single day whilst looking yourself in the mirror. Pretty soon, not only will you believe those things, you will become those things. That's the power of the subconscious-- it adapts and does what you tell it.

One thing that we can do is write all these things down and post them to a mirror we look into every day. By doing so, we will surely see them and be reminded of what we want to accomplish and what we want to become.

**This is a VERY good and effective tool for people who want to lose weight as well. Posting pictures all around your house or room of the body you want with your head pasted to it. You're subconscious will start believing that's what you look like and will make the process of achieving it that much easier.**

Now, as much as I would like to say that this is all you have to do-- sadly it's not. While it's important to use positive self-speak, it is also important to act on your sense of self-image. This is achieved by recognizing and accepting responsibility. You've got to take matters into your own hands. Responsibility is about owning up to the fact that you are in control of your attitude, your reactions, and your sense of worth. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent," and that is the crux of poor self-image: letting other people and circumstances serve as the source of lowering your self-image is going to keep you stuck. Accept the responsibility for your circumstances. Make a decision to do something about them. Even if others appear to stand in your way, work around them. Don't resign.

Next thing to do is to work on your resilience. What is resilience? It is the the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. Resilient people have the emotional strength to get through life's difficulties without falling apart. This isn't about belittling the hardships and challenges of life – they are still very real – but it is about how you react and how you work your way through them. You always have a choice between demeaning yourself or always remembering your self-worth and staying firm in that resolve. You are not a victim to your circumstances. Focus your energy-- on what you need to do to change the situation or the circumstances-- and DO IT. It's going to be tough and require a lot of effort-- but it's well worth it and necessary to get where you want to be. 

Becoming the best 'you' is a long and difficult journey and it takes time, effort and patience. Things wont change all at once. But, slowly and surely they will change and you will begin to notice the difference in your life. 

Remember: You're awesome. You're amazing. YOU ARE WORTH IT ALL.

Analyze Yourself -- Boy, This Should Be Fun??!

To analyze one's self-- How do we even begin the process?!

First, we need to look at your life and pick out things you want to change. What CAN you improve. What kind of person do you WANT to be? What do you need to do/change to get there?

We have a tendency to pick out and focus on the negative things about ourselves-- what we're bad at, what our faults are, our lack of skills and talents, our different ailments-- what we need to do is focus on what we are GOOD AT. What are your strengths, your talents, your skills, your health-- Start looking at what your strengths are and start thinking about how you can make the most of them in the things you choose to do.  What can you do to move into wellness instead of living in sickness? Remember that talents are innate, skills need to be worked on to perfect them. We can't expect that everything will fall into place without any effort on our part. We need to work hard for what we want. If you're not willing to put forth the effort- don't expect anything in return. 

Another thing that I want to bring attention to may be something that we may not think affects us- but in fact may be one of the key aspects that is holding us back from achieving our full potential. That thing is: forgiveness. As sang from the most elegant movie of our time, "Just Friends" I give you: FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness,
Is more than sayin' sorry. 
Forgiveness, 
Is accepting peoples flaws. 
To forgive is divine,
So lets pour a glass of [soda]..."

This song may be super silly and actually kind of retarded, the first line of the song rings true. It is more than saying sorry. Forgiveness is a change of heart, a change of thinking-- letting things go-- not just only verbally saying you forgive someone. 

In starting this process- we need to think of a few different things: Is there someone in your life you need to apologize to? Is there someone YOU are expecting to apologize to you, therefore causing you to hold a grudge against them? Forgiveness is not something that comes easy to anyone. It is probably one of the hardest things we may ever do. Not forgiving is 99% of the time only hurting ourselves. We cannot fully portray our anger and resentment towards someone we are unwilling to forgive. We are the only ones that truly suffer. Holding those feelings of hate, anger and resentment only eat us up inside. Not forgiving has the horrid potential of destroying our lives. Now, I want you to brace yourselves- because here come a SLEW of quotes about forgiveness-- but, they are all well worth the read.

One thing that is very very important- is we MUST learn to forgive ourselves.  I don't know about y'all, but I have made some pretty stupid mistakes in my life. One of the hardest things to realize is that I make mistakes too. I know that I have been forgiven by others, but the hardest thing to achieve a lot of the times is forgiveness of self. Learning to forgive not only others, but ourselves is an accomplishment in and of itself. "We can never obtain peace with the outer world until we make peace with ourselves."

I write this in hopes that it helps us become better people. Let us really step back and look at the things we want to change in our lives and to have the courage and strength to be able to achieve what we want. But most of all-- let us remember to forgive. Let us swallow the pride that is doing nothing but torturing us and preventing us from moving on. Let us forgive. Forgiveness is the key to freedom. 

Self-worth-- wHaT's ThAt?!

I have to say first and foremost- the title of this post made me giggle a little bit because in writing it, I kept imagining someone like that PBS paint guy Bob Ross saying in his funny voice:

*Disclaimer for this post-- my thoughts may be everywhere-- but I promise that eventually through a few posts- it will all tie together.*

So, to get started. Self-worth: also known as self confidence, self-respect, self-love, self esteem. Self-worth is what enables us to believe that we are capable of doing our best with our talents, of contributing well in society, and that we deserve to lead a fulfilling life. Everyone, at some point in their life, struggles with self-esteem issues. So don't feel alone! The BIGGEST obstacle of learning your self worth is learning to over come what ever issues you may face. Whether it be fear of not being able to do something, fear of failure, poor self image, thinking you're not smart enough... the list goes on and on. 

So--- HOW do we start to learn of our own self worth? HOW do we start to build our self esteem and come to realize our own self worth?  First things first: 

Now, bear with me because things could get super cheesy sounding-- BUT bare with me. As cheesy as things may sound, they actually work.  

First Step: Getting Your Head Right 

What in the heck does that mean? It means we need to understand the power of attitude toward yourself. How you perceive yourself, how you talk about yourself-- how you represent yourself eventually becomes a reality for you. If it happens that you're putting yourself down, belittling your worth, and making light of your talents in the face of others, you will come across as self-effacing and low in self-esteem. This isn't humility -- it's self-denial. But, if you exaggerate your qualities, talents, and skills, you'll most likely come across as egotistical and arrogant. There is a middle pathway to follow-- one that doesn't make you come across as self-effacing or arrogant-- but to know the fact that you are a valuable person, equal to everyone else, and that you are unique and worthy. Getting to this belief can be difficult if you have spent years underestimating your worth but it is always possible to change your thoughts and to learn to value yourself. 

We need to learn self-love-- the English language has a hard time dealing with the word "love" – it has to cover a lot of territory for the many different types of love out there. Having self-love is about treating yourself with the same care, tolerance, generosity, and compassion. Self love falters when we fall into the realm of addiction. Alcoholism, drug addiction, Internet addiction, and all similar addictions are a sign that you're hurting deeply but also that you don't want to face up to the opportunities presented by working through your pain. Working through pain is KEY. It is by no means pleasant-- thus the reason why not many people work through it. 

Facing what we struggle with is painful-- realizing things that we need to change about ourselves, letting go of our fears and facing them so that we can become better is difficult. Letting go of fears and insecurities is scary. Our fears and insecurities act as a shield-- making us think it is protecting us-- when in actuality-- it's doing nothing more than pushing us further and further away from what we are wanting to become. Once we accept and realize what needs to be changed in ourselves, and start MAKING the change, it will accelerate us to the next level-- getting us closer to the person we want and strive to be.  YOU ARE WORTHY. You deserve the best life has to offer. (Ready for the cheesy part?!) Help yourself believe that you are worthy. Figure out what it is you need to do to get to that point where you can make that change. Find help-- it's out there. Whether you do it on your own or whether you seek out help-- work towards to getting what you want. YOU DESERVE IT.

In the next post-- The next step--Analyzing yourself and building a positive self image. 

Basic Human Needs-- The Beginnings of the Formula of Happiness

According to many psychologists and  doctor people, there are fundamentals or a hierarchy's of human needs. For Maslow, he says it's physiological, safety, love and belong, esteem and self-actualization. According to Glasser, it's survival, love and belonging, power of recognition, freedom and fun. And then according to some other guys that no one really knows or who has really heard of (Manfred Max-Neef and others), there is subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity and freedom. All of these guys have some pretty great points on what us humans 'need' to survive and/or be happy. What I want to do with my next couple of posts is concentrate on certain subjects or sub-subjects that I think (and what some of the professionals think) is the formula for happiness. 

Now, as I was doing some research, I just so happened to get the bright idea to Google "formula for happiness" and much to my surprise and nerdish delight, an ACTUAL formula popped up. It looked a little something like this:

   Now, I don't know about all y'all, but that doesn't make much sense to me. It's been quite a long time since I did any sort of algebraic equation so quite frankly, my brain about exploded when I tried to even understand this even a little bit. But, according to the website I found this on (http://www.nationaljournal.com/economy/this-is-literally-the-formula-for-happiness-20140805), it states that "the gist of that formula is this: Happiness spikes when we win and our expectations are low- but that happiness gradually fades over time." So, basically, they weren't studying overall, lasting happiness, but more a momentary joy from a 'reward'. As I was reading through the article a little voice and image of Obi-Wan Kenobi popped into my head as he waved his hand and said "this is not the formula you are looking for." so, I took that in a nutshell- they lied. This is no formula for happiness. Do they think that it's going to be that easy?!?!? Nothing that valuable ever comes that easy! Good, lasting things take time, work, and effort. 

To start off my quest for a 'formula' or more, and outline to follow to gain happiness, I want to concentrate on a few different things-- self-worth, life circumstances, our own view on things, humor, relationships, and spirituality. There will be other things to come, but I want to concentrate first on these things first. 

Tune in tomorrow for a thrilling post about learning how knowing your self-worth contributes to happiness. It will be dangerously sensational! 

A funny thing called life

Life: The awkward stage between birth and death. We all experience it. At times we either love it, hate it, make the most of it, or take it for granted. But when it all comes down to it-- life is what WE make of it. In attempting to start this blog, (and hopefully keep it going) I hope to address the important things in life--Happy things, sad things, things we all hate to talk about but oddly enough need to hear, hilarious things, some not so hilarious things, and things that will hopefully touch your souls and lift you up and give you the motivation to become the best "You" you can be. We all have ideas of what we ultimately want to achieve-- to become. The problem is getting there-- figuring out how to become the person we long to be.

My hope is that in the things that I have to write and express, it will inspire for good-- not for evil-- because come on, lets face it-- we have plenty of that going around. There are plenty of people out there that are a little trigger happy and want to blow everyone up because they had a horrible childhood and therefore want everyone to suffer as they suffered. I think the world needs more people like that one child in nursery school that went around giving hugs to people and sharing their juice box with their now new best friend. I'm not saying that that is what people should do now--cause lets get real, having a grown man come up to you, give you a hug and want to share his juice box would be a little creepy and leave you wondering whether or not he should be out wondering the streets alone. So, starting with my next post-- which hopefully will be tomorrow, I'm going to start out with the 'Fundamentals for Achieving a Happy(ier) Life. Everything else has fundamentals-- why can't life?!